Craigslist Codes

You might say I’m a bit of a Craigslist junkie. You know, that website that is virtually an online garage sale? With this site, rather than leaving your house at dawn on a Saturday to get the good stuff before it’s gone, you can simply view other people’s junk from the comfort of your own couch. It’s a beautiful thing. And I take part in it daily, usually more than once. Of course I have to check it to see if that mirror I was thinking of buying is still on the market or if someone has posted the storage shelves I’ve needed but for which I haven’t been able to bring myself to pay store prices. Here I can peruse to my heart’s content without feeling the garage sale guilt that I should buy something I don’t want just because the seller is peering at me from behind the cashbox.

In my perusals of this twenty-first century genius, I have become something of a self-proclaimed professional in deciphering the descriptions. When I first began to dangle my feet in the waters of Craigslist I naively clicked on everything, truly believing that the three word tagline described 100% truthfully everything about the item being advertized. I soon found that words can be deceiving. That, or people are either blind when it comes to their own stuff, or have a skewed sense of what really can and should be labeled “beautiful,” “classic,” or “vintage” when words like “repulsive,” “worn-out,” or “just plain old” would seem more appropriate.

This applies not just in the furniture section, but across the board. For instance, commonly, descriptions on Craigslist of an apartment or house can make it sound like a charming, even historical, home but then the pictures show it for what it really is. There definitely is a code when it comes to Craigslist and I'm starting to crack it. Here is my Rosetta Stone so far:

"Vintage" really means old and somewhat dumpy.

"Cute/Adorable" – small.

"Perfect for newlyweds" – small.

"Cozy" – small.

"Condo" - small apartment.

Yes, I'm definitely on to these people.

And then of course, there is always that post that makes me feel like I’m on Sesame Street, singing along with the gang to “Which of These Things is not Like the Other?” Yesterday was one such time. I was scanning through Craigslist as I commonly do in the mornings, looking for furniture I'm not going to buy, when I came upon this item, right above an ad for ironing boards and just under one for free hamsters:

STRIPPER POLE FOR SALE, $150

I clicked on it out of sheer shock, wanting to find out if this person was serious and lo and behold, there was the pole in all its majesty. Not only is the seller wanting to get rid of this thing, he or she is attempting to sell in order to upgrade to a more expensive model.

All I could think was, Seriously? This is Provo, a fact that the seller did acknowledge as a possible obstacle to his/her trading goals. Yes, this might be a tough sell. Although, I have noticed that the people here are extremely health conscious (I once counted fifteen different runners in a two block radius) so perhaps if the seller took that angle therein might lay success. I mean, I have heard pole dancing is a great workout.

Although I have contemplated many a purchase from Craigslist, I will not be adding this to my list. I have had my share of experience with poles. My husband and I used to live in an apartment that had two metal poles in the entryway. We were never completely sure why they were there, but we learned to live with them. These poles drew quite a few comments from people who came to visit us as they would jokingly wonder if these metal supports were stripper poles. (They weren't.) We've since moved and left those architectural wonders behind us.

However, in light of my newest discovery, perhaps I should have put them up for sale. Apparently they would have been right at home in the “General” section of Craigslist. Next time I’ll know. Only, I hope there won’t be a next time. I much prefer my Craigslist posts to consist of filing cabinets and futons. Speaking of futons, I wonder if there are any for sale today. I’d better go check.